


Standard Measure

by fairhearing



Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: Humor, M/M, Sexual Content, Size Kink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-12
Updated: 2012-06-12
Packaged: 2017-11-07 13:42:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/431808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fairhearing/pseuds/fairhearing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For the prompt: "Chekov is blissfully unaware of what "normal-sized" is and thinks that Sulu's penis is HUGE!  Unfortunately we all know that he likes to boast.  Bonus points for Kirk being determined to find out exactly how large Sulu is."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Standard Measure

  


* * *

  
Kirk wouldn't have cared in the first place, really, if Chekov didn't seem _determined_ to actually cause death by curiosity.  
  
The morning after Chekov's eighteenth birthday, when the whole bridge was pretending not to d'awww at each other over Chekov and Sulu's blissful, clearly post-coital hand-in-hand entrance to the bridge, Kirk had the best view in the house of Chekov's wincing and grimacing as he took his seat at the conn. Kirk didn't miss the fondly accusing glance Chekov gave Sulu, either, or Sulu's blush in response.  
  
Hmm.  
  


* * *

  
A few days later, Kirk was looking for Rec Room Three's copy of "Trivial Pursuit" in one of the storage Jefferies tubes when he maybe-sort-of-accidentally overheard Chekov's excited chattering in the room below.

"Is not like this was ever the most important thing to me, Gaila, you know, because my own is frankly quite large, but then when I saw Hikaru's, I was just shocked!"

He heard Gaila laugh. "In a good way?"

"Oh, da. A good way. A very, very, very good way, bozhe moi."

Still, Kirk thought, listening to this, he might not be referring to Sulu's _penis_ necessarily.

"It is the most enormous penis on the ship, and it is my boyfriend's," Chekov concluded happily.

  


* * *

  
Well, now things were personal.

* * *

  
Luckily they had a run-in with some mentally unbalanced colonists only the next day and Sulu took a phaser hit to the back. On stun, of course, only on stun, but Sulu was unconscious in sickbay long enough for Kirk to order Bones to the transporter room for an emergency that wouldn't exist by the time he showed up, and for Kirk himself to sneak a surreptitious peek at what Sulu was packing underneath the biobed's blanket.

When he got Sulu's fly open, he stared for a full minute.

"What the hell," he said out loud.

* * *

  
By the end of the week, Chekov's incessant boasting had made the rumors of Sulu's supposed incredible endowment into common (incorrect! incorrect!) knowledge, and Kirk decided he had to speak up in the name of truth and justice. Using some embarrassingly thorough calculations, he managed to corner Chekov in the locker room just as he was coming back from a run.

"Ensign," said Kirk, stepping into the showers with a nod.

"Hello, keptin!" Chekov smiled brightly at him from under the spray. A cursory glance told Kirk what he suspected -- that Chekov's own "quite large" equipment had been even more criminally overestimated. Poor boy was in for the surprise of his life.

"How was the course?" Kirk tried to stay nonchalant as he whipped the towel off his waist and prepared himself for the shock and awe.

Chekov didn't even give him a second look.

"Same as always, sir. A little boring, but is why I have my music, yes?"

Kirk stared. Chekov was whistling cheerfully as he lathered up.

"Chekov!" said Kirk. He actually stamped his foot, which would have embarrassed him if he was still in the realm of sanity.

Chekov gave him a look of surprise.

"Sir?"

Kirk opened and closed his mouth a few times. "I... you..."

Chekov was beginning to look concerned for Kirk's mental health.

"Oh, for fuck's sake." Fine. Kamikaze mode. He closed his eyes, pinched the bridge of his nose, and gestured downward. "What are your thoughts on this, Ensign?"

"Thoughts on... the floor?"

Kirk smacked his forehead.

"Oh, wait, do you mean -- your genitals?"

"Yes," said Kirk through gritted teeth, his hand covering his eyes. "I mean my genitals."

"Um," said Chekov. "Er. Well, they look... healthy?"

"Ensign Chekov I do not know if you realize but my penis is visibly larger than Lieutenant Sulu's," Kirk boomed at him.

Chekov looked taken aback for only a second before his face fixed itself into an odd expression.

"Oh," he said. "Well." He took another, equally unimpressed, glance. "If you're going by physical _size_ , yes."

Kirk gawped at him.

"How else," he said slowly, "would you measure a penis."

Chekov leaned toward him, closed his hand into a triumphant fist, and said something in zesty Russian.

"Yeah, sorry, didn't catch that," said Kirk.

" _Spirit_ ," said Chekov passionately. " _Strength_."

"Ah," said Kirk. "I see."

He laughed a little, at himself and the situation. Okay. At least the universe had returned to normal.

"So then," he said jokingly. "How does mine measure up there?"

Chekov, wrapping his towel around his waist, paused, taking another glance. He opened his mouth, then closed it again.

"Is okay, keptin," he said finally, giving Kirk a pat on the back. "Not the most important thing, da?"

He walked off, whistling. Kirk stared after him.

Finally he laughed, shaking his head as he punched on the hot water. Spirit. Right.

He paused for a second and glanced down. Then he grabbed the soap angrily and tried to ignore his blush.  


  


* * *

  



End file.
